She Loves

the way he wakes up as early as you do, so he can make her coffee while she takes a bath.

the way he makes her tea before she sleeps, and before she even asks him to.

the way he places the things she needs within reach and where she won’t forget.

the way he makes her feel like she’s the most loved person in the world.

Advertisements

Rusty Nail

She came to talk with the mother of a child, to hear her excuse for not bringing her child to the doctor when she was told to. She heard her ramble about her foot, about the rusty nail that got to her foot, about the lack of family support, about the lack of money. “It’s always about the money,” she thought. But now that the child is between life and death, the mother came and brought her child to seek for help — still with no money, and still with one foot injured from a rusty nail. The mother was crying, but there were no tears, as if to justify her having none in this life, except her own being just to be with the daughter she loves so much.

She left their conversation wishing she had empathised with her better, wishing she had more to offer the mother, wishing she did not have to scold her.

She Decided

She picked up her green scarf, wore it around her neck, and decided to go for a walk. That evening, there was nothing on her To-Do list, except to buy a few things for the home. While walking, she realised it’s been a while since she last had a leisure walk with a nostalgic feeling that brought her to years and years of memories she has almost forgotten.

She thought, while looking around her neighbourhood, “it’s good to be home.”

 

Good, Better, Best

good-better-best

(Photo source)

The battle between good and bad is not as difficult as the battle between better and best. Because more often than not, our satisfaction stops at good, and we slow down to getting better, that makes it almost next to impossible to be the best. One word: mediocrity. 

The choice between easy-going and challenge is and will always be an, well, easy choice. Because no one wants the challenge. At the end of the day, we feel satisfied with ourselves, feeling we’ve worked so hard to get to the success that we aimed for, only to find out it wasn’t the success we’re looking for in life. Only to realise we have failed ourselves all this time. We realise that what we were doing was nothing but gliding through the surface of the ice, never really seeing what we really ought to pursue beneath the ice.

Oh, it scares us, to realise that we’ve been running in the wrong race. But it also scares us to find out what it takes to get to the right race. To graduate with honours, but not to learn. To pursue a degree, but not to make an impact. To not hurt anybody, but neither do any good. Of course it’s not a fork in the road, but a pyramid we must realise that we’re only touching the tip but never getting to the base where it matters.

Reminder

Reposting this because I need to remind myself once in a while that some things will remain constant in my life. And that’s you, Dad.

I need to remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing right now. Why I want to pursue them and who taught me to be persevering. Big days coming ahead, Dad. Please be with me, and pray for me.


They say there are no coincidences, that the amusing circumstances where two events take place at the same time or one after another is a meaningful design. It may not be easily understood, but it’s something one could appreciate after some thought.


Today is Easter Sunday, and so is my Dad’s 2nd death anniversary. It’s not very easy for me to integrate these two important events of the day in a blog entry, but here goes…
———–

Soon as the visitors left, I went to sit on your bed. I got my exam reviewers back, and had a futile attempt to review. I could not understand anything from what I was reading because it had already been a tiring night. But I held on to my review materials as I also held on to your hand. It was the perfect excuse to stay up late. Truth was, I had no intention of sleeping that night. But my exhaustion got the better of me, my eyes grew heavy, and I fell asleep still holding your hand.

That was our last moment together. I would have wanted my memory to end there, but like in most instances in life, we wait to experience some bitterness in order to let a beautiful end to flourish.

I was awakened by your hand shaking. You were already having seizure and were in respiratory distress. I looked at the time, and it was around 4 in the morning. And from that time on, your vital signs slowly declined. Your eyes were closed, and still having seizure, when I saw tears fell from your eyes. Then your head tilted as if to give in to sleep,  and soon enough you were no longer struggling, but looked very much like a child peacefully sleeping. Songs of prayers resounded in the room. It was around 8am when you finally bid goodbye. The beautiful end was to see you die in peace. You made it, Dad.

I have tried understanding the meaning of death, and I have gone through the process of acceptance. But this understanding and acceptance has not exempted me from helplessly missing you, Dad. I still find myself asking from time to time, ‘Are you still here, Dad? Or are you just at work seeing patients, and that very soon I will welcome you by the door as you get home?’ But the resounding silence to that question reminds me of the truth. I can only go as far as missing you and keeping you in my heart.

The bitter part is already done, and the beautiful end has already unfolded. God had not died only to end things in bitter grief. He has resurrected in order to give Life, and this is the very reason why each of us has a chance to have our own beautiful end.

Shooting Stars

I was told there was going to be a meteor shower tonight at 11:30. I did some stargazing but I wasn’t patient enough to see any shooting star. None of those celestial surprise for me tonight.

But there were some things I was able to appreciate in that span of impatience. 

1. It’s been a while since I looked up and gazed at the stars. I almost forgot how I marveled at those diamonds in the sky as a kid. AND it was pretty hard to shush the song in my head as I was gazing, shine bright like a diamondwe’re like diamonds in the sky. It was hard enough to see any shooting star, much more make the night a little serene with that song in my head.

2. I liked how I shared the experience with my mom. As I was impatient, she was, too.

I don’t remember when I last saw a shooting star. But I remember wishing on the sun upon waking up. This was when I first learned that the sun was simply a morning star. And I thought, how special it is to be the only star visible during the day. That’s of course before I learned that Venus is also a morning star. (But it’s a planet, so the sun remains to be my morning star)

I’d probably check a little later, maybe catch one shooting star. I was told meteor shower is to last until 4:30 am.