Lurking Clerkship

When writing seems not enough, I still write.

Today marks the day i told myself I will be ready. It really does feel like my days are counted, because soon I will be walking through the halls of PGH as a clinical clerk. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection these days trying to muster all the courage I need for clerkship, but none of those reflections seem to give me enough courage. There’s always a lingering fear of failing my seniors, myself, and more importantly my patients.

But yes, today I say to myself, I will be ready. It’s just that, sometimes I look back and see if the past years have really prepared me enough to be in the real hospital setting. I tried to picture what each of the learning I had means in the clinical setting. But I haven’t fully pictured myself in it, what it’s actually like to almost live in the hospital, going on-duty every 3 days.

But, as I said, today I say to myself, I will be ready. But will I, really?

Ahh.. that will to be optimistic amid the lurking pessimism.

I guess, there’s really no point knowing if I’m ready or not. I just have to trust myself, and know that there really is not much choice. Stand up, make up my mind that there is no turning back from here. I am ready, and I will be a clerk soon.

Oh this drama. Stop it, Karen.

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