Motherhood and all its drama

I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I never realized it means dealing with so many emotions I never thought I was capable of feeling. Being a new mom coupled with my hormones that went haywire postpartum brought out a lot of insecurities in me. For those who know me, they know that I’m neither too happy nor too sad. I can overthink and rationalize my emotions, but almost never admitting to feeling one thing. But this part of me changed ever since I became a mom.

My first month of motherhood had me crying buckets. I was crying because of a lot of things. Why can’t I pacify her? Does she hate me? Why isn’t she latching when I thought she’s hungry? The nights were nearly traumatic because of her endless cry. Apart from those, I would cry because breastfeeding really hurt. Everything I read online said it’s not supposed to hurt if you and your baby are doing it right. So why is it hurting? Are we doing it so wrong? I felt inadequate for her.

I don’t have a lot of girlfriends, nor mom friends, so during this time my friend was Google. I’d google almost anything and everything I don’t understand. Believe me, I’ve googled even the simplest things. Example? “Why does my 2-month old baby latches for 5minutes and then unlatches right away”, or “Baby won’t stop crying at night despite feeding, changing diaper etc” or “what’s the best lullaby song”.

Eventually, my baby and I were getting to know each other much better; she was crying less already. But then this was also the time I went back to work. And by work, it meant going on duty in a hospital, and it meant being away from her for 36 hours. This brought a whole new mom guilt in me. My worries this time were, what if she stopped latching? What if she forgets about me? What if her growth becomes delayed because of her absentee mom? What if she loves her yaya more than me, her mom? And yes, those questions were also Googled for answers.

The good thing, however, with dealing with these emotions and worries was that I learned to be friends with other Moms. Knowing I’m not alone in this and others go through the same helped me a lot. I have stumbled upon many other mom forums and mom blogs and even mom Ig accounts. Some really helpful, while most tickled my fancy for shopping baby stuff. (Shopping was apparently therapeutic for the insecure mom, and realized moms like me are good market for so many unnecessary stuff).

I also learned to process my mom guilt better. Beyond retail therapy, I had to give equal importance to my personal growth and even for my baby’s. The time spent apart for me to grow as who I should be, at the same time allow her to be her own person.

I’m still a clingy mom because I always feel like I need to catch up on the days I’m away from her. She’s still a clingy baby, but nothing makes me prouder than to see her try to do things on her own even on days she’s not with her momma.

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Perfect Resignation

My mind has been on to many things recently. On very rare occasions, my 3-hour ride to and from work allows me to sift through my thoughts and reset them once I get to my destination. But more often than not, during this ride, my mind escapes with relentless swiping, typing and tapping fingers through my social media accounts, and I get to my destination frazzled not knowing which to do first.

I wish I can say here how collected I was during frustrating moments, but even my simple hunger could not be put aside. Taking a pause and counting from one to ten is only giving me more time to brew my emotions. And really, my fury when things don’t go my way has gone beyond my fury during PMS nor my over-the-top hormonal pregnancy. I could not blame my hormones this time, so I blame every little thing I could hold on to. Stress and pressure seem to be over-utilizing my cortisol these days.

Until I came across this line:

In perfect resignation to the Divine Will

Like a strong whip of a calming wind, my mind and heart have finally taken a pause from more tormenting thoughts, and have let go and let God.

I cannot recall a day He has failed me. Even the most painful experience I can recall in my life right now, has only proven His sovereignty.

Hello!

Hello! It's been a while since my last post. I never thought I'd be writing again because I thought blogging would just be a phase for me — much like an adolescent going through a Dear-Diary phase.

I'm looking for something. I'm not quite sure yet what it is, but it feels like something I've had before but lost along the way of med school, residency and life in general. So, I'm backtracking my way, and starting with this blog. Hoping, that maybe by writing I will realize what that is.

It's funny how I feel so scared and hesitant about this post. So many thoughts about a single post — Can I really sustain this? What will I write about? What if I get judged for what I write?

So, here I am, saying hello for the first time in a very very long while.

How do I grow in faith?

When all these anxieties grow upon me more intensely than my faith. / I sleep and dream that I lost it. I worry to wake up and find that I have lost it. / Lord, grant me faith. By Your grace, grant me faith./ To appreciate this beauty / to allow the overwhelming gratitude that embraces me to grow fundamentally from my heart./To be your servant./To realize that this is all but Your will,/ that whatever the outcome be is never to serve my purpose but Yours./ Thank You for allowing me to be a hand and body of Your will./And I will rest./ I will rest in faith that You are beautiful, and that You make life beautiful.

Fire

It was an edifice of burning hearts, of passion for language, art and literature. Consumed by its own fire inside, every thing tangible was lost, but not the souls and minds of what this building stood for. With their voices and fists raised above their shoulders, they stepped outside, then forward, to show the rest that none of their ashen masterpieces can ever stop the beautiful language of arts and letters.

4:43 am, and the fire is already controlled. While many were still dreaming, the few great minds had already woken up to mourn for their loss. Walls have crashed, but among its hallways one could still hear exchanges on democracy, as if Plato and Socrates themselves stood in those hallways.

The hallways that heard the plea and glee of the young, upon seeing their name on a piece of paper tacked outside the door. It is the furnace of fresh and old ideas burned together in the spirit of renewal. It is where age is both respected and forgotten in the spirit of unity.

The building has burned down, but not the hearts of many that has built and rebuilt this nation.

It is 7:00 am and the first class has just started.

She Remembers

Every detail of those days that led to the diagnosis of her father’s cancer was still very vivid in her memory.

One seemingly ordinary Saturday, she went with her father inside the hospital (one of the rare times he let her go inside the hospital as a kid). She sat across her father, and watched a young man pierce her father’s skin to get blood sample. When they went outside the room, she heard him speaking to another doctor colleague, both of their voices reassuring each other, but the worries could not be denied.

They were told that the result will be available in a few hours. While waiting, they had lunch nearby. When they came back for the result, next thing she knew, her father was already processing his admission to the hospital that night, this time as a patient.

But before he actually admitted himself in the hospital, they stopped by a few banks to settle her father’s bank accounts to be placed in one bank account. That very night, the doctor-father she knew all her life, became the first patient she has ever encountered, long before she became a doctor herself.

It was an ordinary Saturday that made her see a part of her father’s character — the pragmatic, reasonable man that he was, humbled by the patient’s gown he wore.

 

 

 

She Fought

The doctor explained about the poor prognosis of her father. She said he’s dying and there’s nothing they can do anymore. The doctor explained why it’s impossible to survive her father’s situation, that the heart is still beating but the brain is already dead. She decided they will continue with the resuscitation.

“What are you expecting from all this resuscitation?” the doctor asked.

“To get him back to life.” She answered as if she did not understand a thing from her long explanation of his prognosis. “Resuscitate for as long as you can, please,” is what she last said.

And every time they did so, the heart would beat again for a few minutes and then return to death. The few minutes of life and death and in between, was probably the longest 21 minutes of her life. She hoped that a miracle would strike her father and turn him back to life, where he could talk, and laugh, and maybe even get angry, just to see him alive. 

Alas, it ended with a quiet sigh from the family. The mournful atmosphere could not be denied. It was 7:30 in the morning.